Riding the Cosmic Carousel: The Happiest Brand of Wrong

This year we decided to celebrate Lars' 35th birthday with a Wrong Rodeo at Disneyland. To some this park is the happiest place on earth. To me, it's a terrifying maze of toothy and perverse corporate darkness. Definitely an intriguing site for an off-road rodeo of Wrong.

Since we were going to be in the area anyway, we decided to swing by the William Morris Talent agency to drop off the piece I made for Trey Parker and Matt Stone. I hope they'll get it. Even if they don't, my efforts have amounted to another short chapter in my many clumsy escapades as an artist, idiot and intergalactic butt-mother. I guess that's good enough for me. I also sent off my Candyland Republican Pony Boner drawing to John Waters and plan on sending the Danzig pony to Glenn any day now.

After making the drop we stopped for some ice cream and then hit the road back to Anaheim. Our hotel was decent, despite a somewhat leaky ceiling and total lack of hot water. We unpacked, smoked and then treated ourselves to a late sushi dinner. Bueno.

I love my husband... even though he finds himself MUCH, MUCH funnier than he actually is. It's part of his charm.

The next morning we set out on the 25 minute walk to the Happiest Place on Earth. I was anxious. I hate crowds to begin with, and having the added layer of graduating from hippie high-school with required courses in the evils of Disney, I started to wonder if I was ready.

Readiness doesn't matter, though. Not this year (Year of the Wrong). All that matters is the ride. This is the year I will prevail as Rodeo Queen or die trying.

I feel weird going out into the world. I spend a lot of time hiding behind Lars in public. He's a very balancing influence and always senses when I need insulation or ice cream. This happened to be a day that I needed a lot of ice cream.

We got sundaes at "The Golden Horseshoe" and watched a choreographed imitation of American charm and idealism- regular dudes in hillbilly costumes stomping around a stage and playing loud Disney-esque bluegrass. I didn't know what to feel so I just ate my Mint Chocolate Chip and watched.

Afterward we walked around to see what there was to see. A lot of it was fake and creepy. Other parts were real and sweet.

Everyone loves a good euphemism.

We had to check out the Pirate ride.

This used to be so cool but things have changed. They've done away with the horny pirates chasing the women. Also gone is the big guy waving the petticoat and angrily yelling... "I be willing to share, I be!" There's no more talk of blueballs or young women hiding in barrels. Lame. I miss the days when men were allowed to be men. They've also muted the sound of the blackpowder pistols. Bleh.

Nothing offensive about a little torture, though.

Or a nice whore-auction. (Just be sure to check for the adam's apple, man....) This broad was always my favorite.

Other changes include the addition of multiple new Johnny Depp pirates. He's animated more smoothly (having been added fifty years later) and inspired the group of 12 year old girls behind us to scream "HEY SEXY!!!" at each sighting. Personally, I prefer the classic pirates.

Oddly, the ride I found most inspiring was the carosel. It was absolutely massive- featuring more than seventy horses and was stunning down to the last detail.

Every horse was unique and different. I could tell by the look in their eyes that they knew how I was feeling.

The ride started and I began to dream of making my own carousel full of the mystical creatures who make up my own symbolic reality. I imagined making a unique creature for all of my lovers, teachers, dearest friends and children: individually making each of them their own perfect beast to ride around the wheel. The vision was so intense I had to leave the park to digest it.

Back at the hotel room I was so charged with energy I was trembling. I kept seeing the carosuel as though I was riding it- the roof open to the cosmos and the ground seeming to disappear into the stars below.

What is it with me and impossible dreams? I am constantly afraid of not being able to live up to my increasingly unrealistic desires and ideas. I tried to calm myself down with a hot shower, but the water never got hot so I wrapped myself in towels and rode the dream. I felt pinned between a sense of transendant beauty, comic absurdidty, terror and bliss. It was dizzying and electrifying.

I spent hours riding the carosuel in my mind. I saw myself walking around with drinks for my guests, kissing them and giving them flowers. I tried to hear the music but I couldn't. I guess it hasn't been written yet.

The sun went down and I started to feel like I might be ready to brave the world again. Things are always more beautiful at night so we dressed and headed back toward downtown Disney.

Here is a boat that they stuff with tourists and then drive around the lake in a tiny circle. Sounds pretty much like my hell.

We went around and checked out some of the classics.

See Lars in the mirror?

The consciousness and artistry of Disneyland's entire facade is impeccable.

Mr. Toads Wild Ride was one of my favorites as a kid. (You know, the ride where Toad gets all fucked up on moonshine then crashes his car all around the town resulting in a trip to hell?)

My real goal in returning to the park was to ride the carousel again. Lars didn't put up a fight.

I don't know how I can possibly pull off making a carosuel- particularly because it would be impossible to apply for a public art grant and retain creative control without controversy. The public isn't ready for my visions, you see. This ride will be for MY people. I'll find a way. Life is long and I'm still young and ignorant.

Sadly, It's a Small World was closed. It seemed strangely appropritate. I feel like I spend a lot of the time standing outside the palace gates.

As a kid, my ultimate favorite ride was Splash Mountain. We'd ridden it once already but decided we needed one more round before leaving the park. We made our way down and since everyone was sitting out to watch the fireworks, there was no one in line. Literally no one. I ran down the tunnel toward the logs.

We got in and just as the guy was about to send us off, two other straggling adults emerged from the otherwise empty tunnel and jumped into the back of our boat. The first drop is tiny, maybe three feet, but still resulted in the stern riders screaming bloody murder. I turned around and said, "That's some good yelling." The woman agreed and pointed out that I was dropping the ball. From then on, we all screamed at the top of our lungs through every drop and turn of the ride. It felt good to yell, "WE'RE GONNA FUCKING DIE!!!" as loud as I could in a place that legally prohibits death (I'm not kidding- people cannot LEGALLY be pronounced dead until their body leaves Disneyland- it would ruin "the happiness.")

We rounded the bend back toward to the loading dock. There was still no one in line. The operator looked down at us and asked, "Wanna go again?" We were all stoked to be living out our childhood dreams of looping the log ride. As he shoved us off the second time, Lars leaned forward and said, "We're finally at the right age to appreciate this." Sadly, it's true. Let me illustrate my point with this lovely photo montage.

So super dirty.

Some guy in a trenchcoat got on the ride the third time we did the loop (this time we all simply refused to get off.) I don't think the guy knew what to make of our overwhelming enthusiasm.

We didn't get off for the entire duration of the fireworks show. By the time we finally did, I was completely wet. We started to make our way back to the hotel but needed to stop for more ice cream first.

I felt confused and disgusted by my ability to blend in with this indescribably gross/amazing window.

Te gusta?

The next morning we set out in search for food that wasn't ice cream. Nothing was open around Anaheim so we headed back toward LAX and found an Italian resturaunt near Rodeo Drive. I was starving and ordered two plates of lunch.

We finished eating and still had several hours to kill before we needed to be at the airport. We smoked a little and wandered around Beverly Hills. This city is everything I'm not.. polished, manicured, rich, and rife with the new-Hollywood glamour... Every single woman I passed was trendy and well dressed. It was obvious I was the only female in town without a hairbrush. The homes were architecturally stunning, but crammed into the streetplan like oversized sardines.

The people were friendly, but I just felt no connection to the city. Frankly, the only thing I really loved was this:

And leaving with a new impossible dream. Maybe I'm just stupid and crazy. Or maybe I'm meant to do something amazing. Maybe being stupid and crazy is my "something amazing."

Stupid and amazing aside, I do have a lot of new work to add to my site in these next few days. I'm not quite together enough to get it done now, but I'm guessing I'll be up-to-date with New Work and Events on Thursday- so please check back then. I'm really excited about the direction of my newest stuff.

Thank you all for your continued support. If you are rich, wrong and want to be a part of my carousel dreams, please contact me: sufficientmusician@hotmail.com I really want to make this happen someday.

More sweet lovin' than you can shake a stick at,
Thea "Easy is for Pussies" Wolfe

Posted on 23 Sep 2008, 10:49
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Rodeo Time, Again: (Come back Tuesday!)

I just wanted to do a quick update to let everyone know that I'm leaving in a couple hours for the Wrong-Rodeo and will have art to post and much to report when I return. Please check back here on Tuesday (the 23rd) to vicariously ride the righteous wrong and see all my new work.

I also really want to thank everyone who has taken the time to contact me or Lars to let us know what they think of my work (for better or worse.) I have learned so much through hearing from you and am absolutely blown away to see how far I've managed to ripple out into the world in this past year. To those of you who regularly follow my site, come to my shows, buy my work, or take the time to write: thank you so much for your continued support. You have no idea how much it means to me. If I could bake each of you a pie, I would. In fact, I'll make sure to do that at some point. A pie party. Bueno.

Anyway- that's it for now- but thank you guys SO much and please continue to send your love letters, observations, suggestions, naked pictures and hate mail to: sufficientmusician@hotmail.com (ESPECIALLY the naked pictures.) Gracias.

enough sweet lovin' to break my own neck,
Thea "Teeth in the Darkness" Wolfe

Posted on 19 Sep 2008, 9:03
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